It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
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AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Covid like
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.