I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
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Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me too 😆
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.