people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
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No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
This anagram machine is out of order.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*