Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME