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If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker