I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I have no passwords left in me
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.