My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
do u think theres a butter planet?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.