10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
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Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.