7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.