[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
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It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
That’s not how days work.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*