My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
looks legit
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.