Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.