Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!