Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
You Might Also Like
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
starting a garage orchestra
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.