[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
You Might Also Like
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.