When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?