I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
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my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.