I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market