For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
No laws when master is gone
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.