Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
You Might Also Like
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
fly smarter, not harder
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex