The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
You Might Also Like
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?