Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Bike is short for Bichael.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.