Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
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Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.