Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
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Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.