The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I put the h in mysterious.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.