Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
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Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.