I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
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I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
August 8
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.