Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
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Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
This is amazing.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.