Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
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I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Tough love is true love
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead