I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.