I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart