Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”