My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
You Might Also Like
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not