I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.