I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.