What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
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Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.