A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.