*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
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Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”