A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.