Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My boss called in sick of me
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife