Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
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Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Breaking news:
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.