Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
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If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Breaking news:
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁