The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will