i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
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Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Ok, but like, how married are you?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami