coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
You Might Also Like
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*weighs self after shaving
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?