*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
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ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.