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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
never deleting this app.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.