Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
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[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My whole life was a lie.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies