I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
i- i did not expect this
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday