My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
You Might Also Like
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
My favorite female superhero
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.